I was feeling like I had painted myself into a corner.
Correction, am feeling like that.
I mean, with all this talk about “dream big!” and “think positive!”, and “I Heart Cape Breton,” what do you do as the “positive, young-person blogger,” when life is routine, when life isn’t amazing, but merely the normal everyday schlep, where little things get on your nerves, where hope may be in short supply, when you make Sidekicks for dinner, when you’re feeling down?
Well, you hide. So I was doing that. I was feeling uncomfortable with any sort of public persona. Didn’t want to talk to anyone, use up my energy. Didn’t want to use my blog as a venting place, especially as now I’m using it as a selling place, a URL that’s attached to my products. Oh geez, I thought, what if I’m kvetching and bitching about something mundane, and someone reads it who has come here from seeing my blog address on a bumper sticker, and I totally don’t live up to their expectations? What then? And the panic sets in. I better prepare posts! But that’s not what I do, really. I just write.
That almighty power of “possibly disappointing people,” oh my, does it ever have a hold on me sometimes.
But the problem with having once had depression is, when this sort of thought pattern and behaviour lasts for a couple of weeks, I get antsy. I get worried. “Is this IT again? Am I falling down that hole again?” It’s so hard to know, because it could just be normal, seasonal, PMS, ordinary. Or, not.
But one thing I do know, is I’m done hiding. Because hiding doesn’t make the world go away. It doesn’t make the events (all the amazing events that happen around here, that I want to attend and support, but do not have the energy most of the time, to do) go away. It just means that I’m alone, and despite needing some alone time, that gets old fast. I mean, I don’t want my entire life on the Internet, or up for public scrutiny. But, there’s got to be a balance.
So here I am. I’m positive, still, and interested in community, still, and all that good stuff. I still “heart” Cape Breton. But I’ve got my days weeks too, where I just want to focus on my own life. My homework, my drive to school, my fella, my friends. Maybe take a picture of something I see during the day and write a couple of lines and share that. And that’s OK.
And if you’re still reading, that’s rad. I thank you. If I’m not your cup of tea, if you’re not looking for pictures and thoughts about one chick’s life in North Sydney, doing her best in life, but trying not to stress either, and making Sidekicks for dinner a lot more often than she’d like to admit, I recommend Cape Breton Partnership’s NextGen Connect Email Newsletter. They do an amazing job of sharing positive stories.
I don’t know what the heck I’m doing, do you!?! 🙂
You’re NOvembering and soon that will be followed by decemBURROWing when you enjoy the warmth of a cuppa, friends, toasty fireplace, etc. All the best, Linda
Lovely, those all sound so lovely. Thanks for the moral support, Linda. 🙂
Glad to have you back on line!
Aww, thanks! That made me smile.
You are doing great! I am still reading your blogs …..understand.
Thank you, Marie. 🙂
It’s your blog….you should feel free to write what you want…..not what you think people want to read. The few blogs I have chosen to follow are because the author writes from their heart and has something to say which interests or touches me in some way. Yours included. If it helps at all, I think the darkness of November makes it very difficult for many people to feel positive and I, for one, am looking forward to more light in our days. Your blog is definitely my cup of tea and my easy-to-prepare comfort food of choice is beans on toast.
That’s the tough quandary with using social media, isn’t it! But overall, “write what you want,” tends to win out. Thank you for your thoughts, Shelagh. It’s very helpful, and it is important for me to remember that November IS a tough month for lots of people.
Beans on toast, yum! 🙂
Your blog is a pleasure to read, whether you are feeling up or down. I can appreciate that you feel like you’ve set yourself up with the expectation that you are all positive all the time and dreaming big, but I don’t think anyone is holding you to it. I think you said in one of your posts that it is the voice that readers respond to, equally as much as the subject. I think that’s true, and it has stuck with me.
I truly enjoy your honesty. Its hilarious…no, I’m empathetic but you express yourself with such humour that there is no need to hide. Just keep on keeping on. It’s the journey.
What Shelagh said! We’re here because we like what you do, not what you think we want. I’m not sure that sentence makes sense but whatever. Always read. Always interested.
And no. Nobody knows what they’re doing 🙂
Pressuring yourself by expectations (of what your readers want or what you think we want to hear) or perfectionism is a great way to squash your amazing talent and move from the realm of art to simple marketing. Cut yourself some slack, Leah, you are fine. Great writing is that which speaks eloquently of the human condition experienced by all of us, and as such can then be recognized by the reader. It creates resonance, empathy, and understanding.
Thank you, those are kind words, and true ones too. 🙂